E.W.W.W.

WARNING: The following content contains humanized ponies and wrasslin'. Pregnant women and people with heart conditions are advised to keep someone on standby in case of an emergency.

Thank you, and please read the whole way through.


***


My fingers curled into fists. Sinew drew tight beneath my skin, like a violinist's strings readying for a symphony of violence. My knuckles popped one at a time; the first notes of the song. My biceps followed; flexing, relaxing, and then flexing again as my arms swung back and forth. I let out a soft noise, halfway between a groan and a growl, as bones creaked under the strain of muscle pulling against them, eager for the fight. My fingers traced the hem of my shorts and the three butterflies stitched into the fabric. Finally, I cracked my neck, watching the sway of my pink hair in front of my face.

Outside, I could hear the roar of two thousand screaming fans all ready to see the beautiful chin music that I was going to play on the champion's jaw, a loving aria of pain beat out against her skin. I'd wanted this for so long, to hear her lovely cries as I rubbed her face into the mat. A long, slow breath escaped through my thin smile. Oh how I loved this: the spectacle, the noise, the play of jab and thrust, of grab and twist and yank, of foot to flesh. My top suddenly felt a size too tight as I looked up at the clock.

It was time. My game-face was ready. I grabbed my long pink hair and tied it behind my neck, hopped up on booted feet, and strolled out into the ring. The tide of noise greeted that greeted me nearly knocked me off my feet as I strode up the steel steps and launched myself into the ring with a quick yank on the ropes.

"LADIIIIES AND GENTLEMEN! I BRING YOU TONIGHT'S CHALLENGER FOR THE TITLE OF CHAMPION OF EQUESTRIAN WOMEN'S WORLD WRESTLING, FLUTTERDIE!"

Oh Spike. No sense of drama. Always to the point. That's what I loved about you.

I tilted my head slightly and let the noise of the crowd and my entrance music wash over me. Boos and cheers mixed in equal measure. Couldn't decide who to root for tonight, huh? Well, I'd show them why they should want, why they needed to cheer me on soon enough. Spike held out a microphone to me, and I grabbed it with a sweet smile. He blushed and coughed and turned away, pretending not to notice. Such a sweetheart.

"Everyone! I'm so glad to see you out here. It's so lovely to see everyone with your smiling faces and colorful banners!" I kept my voice soft, sweet, and it worked. The crowd's roar dulled slightly.  "I just hope everyone has a good time tonight." I gave them a shy wave and smiled a little wider, and the entire arena broke out in a simultaneous 'Awww…' Putty in my fingers. Not that I didn't mean what I said, of course not. I loved the knuckle-headed little dears that came to see me like they were my children. I tried to catch a squeak as it escaped when a pair of panties landed next to my feet, but couldn't help it. They were trying to surprise me again, the silly billies.

Loud, strident trumpets broke the spell as a pale-skinned woman leapt into the ring, accompanied by fierce Spanish guitar. I watched her, eyes glued to every movement. She was lean and tight, every curve of muscle smoothed to elegant perfection and hugged close by clinging white vinyl. Rich violet curls tumbled out of the top of a white luchadora mask and fell to her slender waist. Celestia, she was gorgeous.

"I'm afraid the only one who is going to have a good time, darling, is I, La Rareza." Her throaty Spanish voice flowed over the audience, drowning out their catcalls. I could almost hear the sound of a thousand pairs of pants getting about three sizes too tight. I couldn't blame them.

"L-La Rareza! I thought I was supposed to fight Twilight!" I hugged my shoulders and shrank back slightly. "If I'd known you were going to be here, then, um… I wouldn't have come tonight." I wanted to speak louder, but my heart was going about fifteen thousand miles an hour. Damnit! Why did it have to be her? I owed her too much to fight her now. But she was in my way, and if she wanted it, then far be it from me not to oblige a lady.

Soft purple rose petals fell from the lights above as La Rareza sauntered toward me. The way she moved those hips made me wish I hadn't been born a girl. "Why Flutterdie? Are you afraid to face me?" Her white-gloved finger on my chin sent fire down my spine. "Are you, perhaps, worried that I am calling on you to pay your debt to me, my dear? That I would ask you to," Suddenly, she was in front of me, sliding her arm around my waist and tucking a muscular thigh between mine, "take a fall, for me?"

My eyes fluttered as the beautiful luchadora dipped me backward. Celestia above, she was beautiful! My I was taller by nearly a full head, and had a good twenty pounds on her, but she moved me like it was nothing. Her face was an inch from mine. A little closer and I could kiss her. My stomach knotted and twisted and other parts of me threatened to rebel if I let this go on any further. My fingers clenched; they were eager to feel the beautiful wrestler's body twist and bend beneath them. They, at least, knew why I was here.

"N-no. I would never take a fall for y--" I tried to say, but La Rareza's finger on my lips caught me. "I think you already have…" I yelped as I was flung away. "But that is not why we are here tonight! For to face the champion mi pequeña mariposa, you must first face me!"

Spike coughed and stepped up to the two as the music died down and the arena's roar fell to an expectant hush. Oh thank Celestia for you, Spike. I don't know if I could have handled another minute of that. "Ladies, good clean fight out there, you hear?" He tried to grab my shoulder, and I cut him off with a swift elbow to the jaw. I was a blur as I surged forward and grabbed Rareza by the arms and drove my knee up into her stomach.

"I'm so so sorry, Rareza, but I have to fight the champion," I whispered into the Spanish woman's ear, just loud enough for the crowd to hear. "For Angel."

Angel. That bitch Twilight had done… something to him, and now he wouldn't even look at me. He just turned away every time I tried to feed him, wouldn't listen when I called his name. He was wasting away from Celestia knew what, and Twilight held the answer.

Rareza's foot caught me in the chin and sent me spinning backward. My head swam as I tried to regain my senses, and watched as Rareza walked slowly over to me. "I'm sorry, I truly am, darling." She meant it. I could see it in the way her eyes wouldn't meet mine, and the tilt of her head. She hated this as much as I did. "But you know how it is. Nightmare McMoon plays the pipes and we all dance to her tune."

I looked blearily up at her. "But Twilight's the one providing the sheet music." I was slurring. Not good. Head in the game, Flutter.

Her foot swung toward my head and I just caught it before it sprayed my teeth across the mat. I shoved myself upright and pulled hard on her foot, flooring her. It was all I could do to make it between her legs before she snapped them closed and I lost my opening. I still ended up caught with them around my chest, but that's exactly where I wanted them. I ignored the crushing vice for a second and grabbed a fistful of her vinyl top and hooked my arm under her leg. I rushed forward and pulled backward at the same time, bending her in half at the waist until our faces were inches apart. Hers was a lovely mask of pain, while mine was split by a huge grin. She opened an eye and pleaded silently with me, but she was mine and she knew it. All I had to do was keep up the pressure, and then I could—

"YEW GIT YER FILTHY PAWS OFFA MAH PARDNER."

Oh no.

A pair of calloused hands grabbed me roughly and pulled me from between Rareza's legs, and I was suddenly airborne. It was a weird feeling that lasted for too long but ended too quickly. I slammed into the ropes on the opposite side of the ring and fell to the mat. The mat shook as my new dance partner stomped over to me. Applesmackdown. Nearly seven feet and three hundred pounds of blonde Texan with a bad accent thundered toward me. Her arms were wide open. She wanted to go in for a bear hug? Fine. I liked to play it close.

I jumped to my feet and darted in. She was all but spilling out of that stupid flannel top, so it was too easy to snatch her by the sensitives and twist until she howled. I smiled down at Applesmackdown as she went to her knees, the audience hissing in sympathy like a teakettle.

"You know it's rude to interrupt, Apple," I said quietly. "If you wanted some time alone with Rareza, you only had to ask me." Rareza gasped somewhere on the other side of the ring. "I'm here to talk with Twilight, anyway."

Apple's eyes narrowed. I'd hit a nerve. Applesmackdown was Twilight's most faithful minion. I'd have to fight her, too, if I wanted a shot at the ringleader. I smiled. That was fine. We'd all have such a nice time together.
I let go of her and whipped my knee at her chin. Her head snapped backward, but she ate the blow like it was nothing, and swung at me with those powerful ham-hands of hers. I danced under the blow and delivered a swift jab to the gut. She rocked back, hissing with pain, and so did I. The bitch's abs were like rocks! I ignored the pain and drummed on her kidneys, trying to keep the smile off of my face as she was driven backwards. A kick to the inside of the knee had her kneeling again, and then my knee was back up in her jaw, taking her on the edge. I could feel it crack. I wanted to apologize to her. She was my friend once, after all. But oh it felt so good.

I swung a right cross at her jaw, hard enough that the audience gasped, and looked up as Apple fell to the mat. Where was Rareza? She should have been hammering at me with those mile-long kicks of hers.

"No need to thank me, Flutterdie."

My face fell. Not this annoying brat again. Always tagging along behind me, riding my coattails or trying to steal my glory. I turned and glowered as hard as I could at her. The rainbow-haired little snot in her tight blue spandex laughed and rubbed her bandaged nose at me. Okay, I needed to work on my glare. Sue me. I couldn't scare a kitten with my stare. "Hah! No need to pout! I just took care of this skinny bitch so she'd stay off your back. Couldn't leave my best pal hangin'!"

I looked down at the mat beneath her. Rareza was out cold, her violet tresses a sweaty mess from where my 'savior' had trampled them. I could feel my blood boiling the more I looked at her.

"Besides, it's just one more step on my way to beating up the Champion and taking my place as Equestria's Queeeen of Wrasslin'!" She hopped down from the rope she'd been sitting on and struck a pose. The audience booed at her, but we both ignored it.

"Painbro Smash, you are not my friend, er, not right now. And you are not going to take the championship away from me!" I stomped my foot and pointed at her. I wasn't normally this mean, except when fighting, but Painbro Smash just got on every nerve I had! "Go home!"

Smash, predictably, just smirked and flicked that rainbow mop she called hair back. "And miss out on a chance to take on the champ? No way." She bounced up onto her toes and put her fists up. "Unless you're wanting to keep me from it, babe. 'Cause we can go anytime you want. Like right now!"

I almost didn't catch the rabbit punch she threw at my face. Damn, she was fast! I had to twist out of the way as she rushed in, trying to put me off balance, but I swept my leg out as she dashed forward, tripping her and sending her facefirst into the mat. I bent down to grab her by the hair and hissed into her ear, "I'm the one who's going to beat Twilight, Painbro. I've worked too long for this."

Rareza groaned and got to her feet at the same time that Apple was getting to hers. She had to cradle her jaw, but looked like she was about to murder me despite it. Rareza just looked sorry. Then both of them stopped and looked up. Fear was written plainly across their faces as the lights began to dim and smoke rolled out of the machines set into the entrance. Deep purple lasers played across the ceiling and smoke as the one I'd come out to fight stepped out into the entrance.


She was small. Disarmingly so, I thought. But every inch of the little woman was packed with more muscle and skill than any three or four fighters. She oozed power and confidence as she stepped out into a spotlight to the thunderous roar of the crowd and the accompaniment of a dozen pyrotechnics. I narrowed my eyes and grit my teeth. Her awful purple cowboy hat and bright pink shades were an eyesore, and the coat she wore was covered in gaudy, glittery tassels.

"OH YEEEEAAAAAAAAAH!!!"

Oh yes.

"SOMEONE MUST BE TRYING TO GET MY ATTENTION WITH ALL THESE ANTICS OUT IN THE RING, BECAUSE I CAN FEEL MY EARS BURNIN' SOMETHING FIERCE!" Macho Mare Twilight Savage stepped out into the entrance aisle, her hands outstretched to accept the high-fives of the audience. I glared the entire time, wishing my face wasn't so cute, and put my boot down between Painbro's shoulderblades to pin her in place.

Twilight calmly walked up into the ring, and it was all I could do to keep from jumping her right there. "So, Flutterdie. I hear you've been an up-and-comer in recent weeks, yeah?" She grinned and mimed a couple of punches. "Fighting your way to the top and stepping on anyone who gets in your way, eh? Like poor Rareza here." She opened her arm, and the tall Spaniard slid into it with a guilty look. "She's been about yer only friend in the EWWW, and you'd climb over her broken, lifeless body if it meant a shot at me, huh?"

I just stared, waiting for her to finish. I'd get my chance.

"AND POOR YOUNG PAINBRO! All she's ever wanted was to be your friend, to help you rise, even if she went about it the wrong way, and you're stepping on her right now! OH HOW I ENJOY THE PAIN YOU CAUSE, YOUNG FLUTTERDIE! YOUR BRUTAL, SADISTIC FIGHTING STYLE AND YOUR ADORABLE BABY FACE AMUSE ME TO NO END!"

Applesmackdown walked over to the Macho Mare and peeled her tassled coat from her shoulders, then pulled Rareza from the Macho Mare's arm and guided her to the edge of the ring. I watched them go out of the corner of my eye. Rareza was trying not to cry as Apple held her. I wanted to say something, wish them luck in the new order when I toppled Twilight, but I couldn't spare any more attention than I had.

"Twilight." I let out a quiet breath. This was the moment I'd waited for. "Um, I've saved a can of whoopass for you. If you want it, that is." Damnit. It wasn't tough enough. "I even wrote your name on it in magic marker so that no one would steal it out of the fridge. Th-the fridge of pain, I mean. The one I'm going to empty onto your head and stuff you into when I beat you, that is. If you don't mind." At least I wasn't stuttering this time. Too much.

"YOUR FEEBLE TAUNTS AMUSE ME FURTHER, YOUNG WRESTLER!" Her smile was genuine, if mocking. "BUT ENOUGH OF SUCH GAMES!" I tensed as Twilight threw her arms back and gestured to the crowd. This was it. "NOW IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO DRINK DEEPLY THE NECTAR OF PAIN FROM THE GOBLET OF MACHO MARE, AND KNOW ONCE AGAIN WHAT FOOLISHNESS IT IS TO CHALLENGE MY MASTERY OF THE ARENA!"

My heart beat like a jackhammer against my chest as the lights came back up and Twilight raced toward me. I pushed off of Painbro's back and surged forward at the exact same time, a cry on my lips.


***


"Awww, shoot! I lost again." Rainbow Dash threw down her controller and sulked on Twilight's couch.

Fluttershy reached over and rubbed her hoof against her friend's shoulder. "It's okay, Rainbow. We can't win everything, right? I'm just glad everyone is having such a good time."

"A good time?" drawled Applejack as she looked down from her perch on top of the couch. "There ain't no way none of us are gonna have a good time if'n we keep playin' that stupid game. Twilight keeps beatin' th'tar out of us every time she enters!" She huffed and bucked her hind legs, kicking off the stupid-looking tasseled coat that had been draped across her flanks.

"Applejack, do you mind!" harped Rarity as the coat landed on her head. She spat out a tassel and then folded the coat in her lap. "I'm afraid I have to agree, darling. Twilight ruins E.W.W.W. with her silly Macho Mare impression every time." Applejack nodded. "And it don't help that she's such a whiz at this game."

"THIS SOUNDS LIKE POOR SPORTSMANSHIP TO THE MACHO MARE!" bellowed Twilight as she stood up from the game, hooves on her hips. "I WOULD THINK THAT SOME OF THE GREATEST FIGHTERS I HAVE EVER KNOWN WOULD SHOW MORE DIGNITY IN DEFEAT! Alas, The Macho Mare thinks she is mistaken." Twilight tried to hide her grin, unsuccessfully, as she pulled off her neon colored shades with 'Twilight' painted across them in garishly colored letters.

"Oh no! I'm happy you're enjoying rubbing our noses in disgrace, Twilight!" Fluttershy chirped up from the floor with a tiny smile. "It's not often we all get together and enjoy a whole day without disaster, after all." Twilight fidgeted and looked down uncomfortably. "I would like it if you apologized to Angel, though. He's been sulking all day." Twilight's head sunk a little lower.

Fluttershy stood and trotted over to her friend and rubbed her cheek against the unicorn's, reassuring her she wasn't mad. "Don't worry, Twilight. I'm sure the others aren't mad at you for grinding their little characters faces into the mats for the seventeenth time today. Right?"

Applejack and Rarity looked at each other and grinned wickedly. "Oh of course not, darlings. We wouldn't dream of being poor sports." Applejack nodded. "And to honor the Ponyville champeen of Ee-Dubya-Dubya-Dubya, we would like to present you with a token of our respect." She winked at Rainbow, then gripped a couch cushion in both front hooves. "GET 'ER FELLAS!"

Twilight yelped and giggled as the losers graced their champion with a flurry of thrown pillows. Even Fluttershy brought herself to fling a throw pillow at Twilight's head, only for it to fall short just inches from the pegasus' mouth.

Rainbow Dash looked up from the melee and glanced around. "Hey wait a second, where'd Pinkie Pie go?"


***


"Luna, baby, doll, sweetheart. You're beautiful, love what you did with your hair." Pinkie Pie's motor mouth paused to chew on the unlit cigar stub in her mouth. "Listen, got a new proposition for ya. Think you're gonna love it, sweetiecakes! Listen, the Macho Mare thing? I love it, you love it, but the fans are tired of the same old thing. They need something new, something fresh. This Flutterdie kid I've been training up? She's our ticket. She's got the moxie, the skills, just needs a bit more experience before she takes on the champ, you dig? Also, I was thinkin' of bringing in some eye candy for the fans. Something just for the boys. Not that the big five aren't nice to look at, especially Rareza." Pinkie Pie leered over at her companion and growled. "But we need something just for show. Draw in more crowds. Whattaya think?"

Luna narrowed her eyes and glared across the table at Pinkie Pie. She folded her hooves over each other and idly smoothed the lapels of her suit coat with a flicker of magic. "My name..." she purred, trying to hide a smile, "...is Miss McMoon."