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Rarity watched her last customer gallop excitedly out of her front door with her new dress and a radiant smile. Her eyes followed her for a moment, a satisfied smile of her own on her lips. It was just a simple pullover sundress; a light and breezy little thing for a young filly's first school dance. But oh, it was such a joy to make for her! She'd wanted something to catch the eye of that little would-be Casanova who'd been trying to make the rounds of the schoolyard and breaking hearts with his handsome smile and charming laugh. The poor dear was so smitten that she nearly chewed her ear off with syrupy-sweet descriptions of his mane. Well, with that little number and the lovely hair ribbon she'd thrown in, the girl would not just turn his head; she'd have to start beating the little colts away with a stick.

She snickered wickedly to herself and locked the door. "Just like yourself at that age. So new to romance, all full of ideas and dreams." A sigh brushed her front window's lace curtains as she turned the sign to 'CLOSED'. "Of course, we know better now. A pony can only break so many hearts, after all, before one finds one's own heart being broken."

She hopped down from her small stepladder and headed to the till to count her profit for the day. Once it was safely counted, recounted, noted in her ledger, and balanced against projected future gains, she nudged the till closed and flicked off the lights. She paused in the doorway to her office to stare critically at the display ponniquins in her window. "Hmmm, I think I might move those display dresses to the rack tomorrow. I think I might have a new idea for a line of summer dresses. Spring is so over, after all." She nodded firmly, then shut and locked the door behind her.



Rarity nosed through her library, inhaling the delicious scent of old and well-loved books. The spines of some were beginning to crack despite her care, and they were plagued by hastily done dog-ears and a few coffee stains. One was nearly unreadable after it had accidentally joined her in the bathtub, but she kept it and cared for it just the same. All of them were her favorites. There wasn't a single one she hated. It turned out that her sense for fashion had lent her an impeccable eye when it came to choosing just the right book. Each book had to fulfill a certain standard, and she kept rigidly to it, and so far she hadn't been wrong. Every trip to the bookstore was like choosing a lover for the night, with the protagonists whirling her through the pages and ravishing her mind with their adventures, leaving her tired and satisfied as she closed the cover.

She giggled and plucked an older one from the shelf. Its cover was plaid, and had a picture of a powerfully built stallion wearing most of a shirt on the front. "Ah, here's one we haven't read in a while," she said, a slight skip in her step as she headed toward her bathroom and the warm bath waiting there for her. "Wait a moment." Rarity looked up at her wall clock. "The others are normally beating down my door by this point. I wonder what might be keeping them." She thought for a moment, and then decided it didn't matter. "Oh well~" she chirped, her tail perking as she flounced toward her tub. "A quiet night alone with a book is something I've been wanting for a while."

She stopped briefly by her vanity and grabbed a black pot from the edge and unscrewed the top. She dipped her hoof in and dabbed lightly at her face, smearing the artfully applied makeup with a mixture she'd created just for this. It would quickly remove even the thickest, most caked-on makeup while leaving the skin and facial coat rejuvenated. Afterward was a quick rubdown with a towel, and then her mud mask, something which she enjoyed wearing just a little too much sometimes. She laughed quietly to herself. "You just like the idea of being clean while wearing mud all over your face. Don't you, Rarity?" She continued to chuckle at the thought as she tucked her hair up into a fluffy terrycloth towel.

"At last, my sweet," she said to the faded tartan cover of her book, "I am ready for my bath."

Rarity stepped away from the vanity and picked the book up gently with her mouth, then headed for the tub. It foamed and steamed and smelled softly of lavender, and was exactly the perfect temperature. Before she could begin, she had to test it. She daintily dipped a hoof into the water and shivered as the warmth spread up her leg in a rippling wave of pure pleasure. "Oh~h my," she breathed as she settled slowly into the water, inching her way below the surface, and came to rest with her shoulders just above the floating lavender seeds. "Bliss~!"

She turned to her book, then, and patted the cover to reassure it that she hadn't forgotten it was there. She then opened to a dog-eared section in the middle and began to read.



"Lord Tartan Claymore powerfully snatched Lady Redflower's slender, beautiful shoulders roughly and threw her roughly against the wall of his wooden and pine hunting lodge. The scent of pine wafted sloooowly up from the wall as her bruised shoulders as she stared up at him as he stared back at her, their gorgeous eyes locked. 'Lady Redflower,' he groaned in a husky groan. 'I need you. NOW'."

Rarity put her hoof to her mouth and laughed as she scanned the page. "Lady Redflower's cheeks colored to think of what the savage brute could want from her, of the obviousness of how he was going to ravish her and claim her in the ancient ways of the Scoltish lords of old."

Rarity threw her head back against the side of the tub and let out a long belly laugh. "Ohohoho! Oh! Oh my! My sides! This is too funny!" She flicked a tear from her eye and buried her nose back into the pages. "And then Lord Tartan Claymore BELLOWED, 'I do not care, my lady! For you are mine and I shall have you! Because you are mine, just as the ancient Scoltish ways demand!' Lord Tartan Claymore grasped Lady Redflower's gown in a powerful grasp and ripped it asunder revealing her heaving chestflesh to the cold Scoltish winter's night. But Lady Redflower was not cold, no, she was hot with the heat of his lust burning in her heart. She wanted this, to be taken by the manly stud and pressed against his heaving, sweaty chest."

Rarity's horn sparked and a pair of her favorite combs, a blue porcelain comb and a rough-bristled coatbrush, flew into the air and came to a stop above the tub. "My Lady Redflower!" barked the coatbrush. "I have taken your land, your house, and your title! And now, I will take YOUR VIRGINITY!"

The blue comb fainted and turned its tines away from the brush. "But, milord! I am a virgin! Were you to take mine maidenhead I would surely be ruined for marriage! FOREVER!"

The comb yelped as she was thrown to the 'ground' and pinned under the brush's stiff bristles. "I care not to hear your foolish cries! No pony can hear you here!" The two combs clacked together with Rarity providing smooching and moaning noises while trying to laugh through pursed lips.


Sometime later, she placed the book back on the sink and sank into the bath with a contented sigh. "Oh darling Primrose," she murmured, fondly regarding the book. Her eyes were puffy and red from laughing, and little crinkles appeared at their edges. "Someday, I must find you and thank you for your terrible writing." With another happy sigh, she lay her head back against the tub and twisted the hot water knob with the tip of her hind hoof.
Number 2 in the Secret Tub Fun series, this time featuring the glamorous unicorn Rarity.

Rarity loves her house clean, her dresses immaculate, and her books dripping with purple filth. Tonight, she has a rare moment to indulge herself in an excerpt from an old favorite of hers.
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:icondracodei:
DracoDei Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Faved ONLY due to the REASON she enjoys the book so much.
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:iconlawn-pygmy:
Lawn-Pygmy Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2014
Thank you. :)
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:icontikitiel:
TikiTiel Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
:rofl:
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:iconlawn-pygmy:
Lawn-Pygmy Featured By Owner Feb 29, 2012
:D
Reply
:iconstatoose:
statoose Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2012   Digital Artist
Always knew Rarity was the sort who enjoyed terrible clopfics. :D
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:iconlawn-pygmy:
Lawn-Pygmy Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2012
But of course. :D
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:iconironman12:
ironman12 Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2012
y7uh6nyuhn7jm < my recation to pony romance novels oh god that was good though
Reply
:iconlawn-pygmy:
Lawn-Pygmy Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2012
Ehehehe. Thanks!
Reply
:iconlongshotlink:
LongshotLink Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I love the idea that Rarity reads those books, not for their romance elements, but for how hilariously bad they are. Fantastic idea.
Reply
:iconlawn-pygmy:
Lawn-Pygmy Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2011
That's half the reason to read them at all. They're gloriously trashy and purple and littered with softcore porn. Most people I know who read them use them as light, mindless entertainment to take a break from thinking all day and allow their brains to rest. I bet Rarity is the same way, though she probably also enjoys them for the romances in them, however hamfistedly handled they are.
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:iconlongshotlink:
LongshotLink Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I can understand that. I just love the image of Rarity giggling herself silly in the tub at these cheesy stories.
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:iconlawn-pygmy:
Lawn-Pygmy Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2011
Me too. :)
Reply
:iconfandude12:
fandude12 Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2011
hurray for terribly written books!
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:iconlawn-pygmy:
Lawn-Pygmy Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2011
Huzzah! :D
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:iconshard197:
Shard197 Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2011
Oh lawdy I've read books like that. Comedy gold, they are.
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:iconlawn-pygmy:
Lawn-Pygmy Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2011
They're the best. :D
Reply
:iconbookishdelight:
BookishDelight Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2011   Writer
Reading this, it feels as if the author may have had far more fun writing that prose-within-prose more than he will ever let on.

Fine by me. I'm still laughing. ^_^
Reply
:iconlawn-pygmy:
Lawn-Pygmy Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2011
It was an absolute hoot to write. :D Every bit, especially the grammar errors and typoes, was written through a fog of giggling. Be prepared for something different in the next, though.
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:iconsniffs:
Sniffs Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2011
actually, it makes sense rare likes Bodice Busters :P
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:iconlawn-pygmy:
Lawn-Pygmy Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2011
Of course! Have you read any? They're absolutely hilarious. Pure comedy gold.
Reply
:iconvaguelycreepy:
VaguelyCreepy Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2011  Student General Artist
"Her eyes were puffy and red from laughing, and little crinkles appeared at their edges."

Ah, laughter: The only acceptable cause of crows' feet. Everything has its entertainment value; you've just got to get creative sometimes.
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:iconlawn-pygmy:
Lawn-Pygmy Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2011
Rarity is one of the few who could make laughter lines look beautiful. Thinking back, though, it makes her seem older than I intended.

And dime-store romance novels are hilarious.
Reply
:iconalek4ever:
alek4ever Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2011
everyone has secret pleasures, Rarity is no exeption.
Reply
:iconthedragonkeeper1995:
Thedragonkeeper1995 Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2011
I think for everyone in this fandom it is ponies, rather than trashy novels. XD
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:iconalek4ever:
alek4ever Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2011
Bah, ponies is not a secret pleasure for me... :iconlooolplz:
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:icontamanou:
tamanou Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2011
Ah, a saddle-ripper! :D
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:iconlawn-pygmy:
Lawn-Pygmy Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2011
Yes! :D
Reply
:iconarconius:
arconius Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2011   General Artist
:rofl: :lmao:

And I can hear it in Rarity's voice all too clearly. :XD: :XD: :XD:
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:iconlawn-pygmy:
Lawn-Pygmy Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2011
:D
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:iconmarinafeld:
MarinaFeld Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Oh my...
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:iconrangergxi:
RangerGxi Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2011
"Ohohoho! Oh! Oh my! My sides! This is too funny!"
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:iconlawn-pygmy:
Lawn-Pygmy Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2011
:D
Reply
:iconuseraccount:
useraccount Featured By Owner May 10, 2011
I love how you tossed in Pinkie Pie's infamous "FOREVER" line! And the brushes!
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:iconlawn-pygmy:
Lawn-Pygmy Featured By Owner May 11, 2011
This was written well before 'Green Isn't Your Color' aired. :V The 'FOREVER!' was never meant to be read in her voice.

However, that is no longer possible. I don't know if this is good, bad, or silly. Pinkie is a sly devil-pony.

I liked the brushes, too. :D
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:iconuseraccount:
useraccount Featured By Owner May 11, 2011
LMAO, you predicted one of the most prominent memes of the series before it even existed! Nice!
Reply
:iconlawn-pygmy:
Lawn-Pygmy Featured By Owner May 11, 2011
I am awesome like that. <:E My gigantic forehead lets me see the future in its reflection.
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:iconsalohcin-silverwing:
Salohcin-Silverwing Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2011  Student Writer
Wow, I didn't know there was MORE hilarious tub stories.

I've heard of reading a good book for a bath, but reading a terribly-written one for laughs? I wonder what Primrose has to say about that..
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:iconlawn-pygmy:
Lawn-Pygmy Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2011
Miss Primrose has written far better books. Highland Lust was one of her early works, and, though it got her career started as a writer, is still regarded as one of her weakest.

Rarity just likes to unwind with a good giggle.
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:iconsalohcin-silverwing:
Salohcin-Silverwing Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2011  Student Writer
Well, I'm sure it's not as entertaining as "Reform School Fillies."

Does that book ring a bell?
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:iconlawn-pygmy:
Lawn-Pygmy Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2011
It does indeed~ Miss Papillone got her start reading Primrose's works, at least I think so. You'd have to ask Buttersc0tch about that one.
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:iconsalohcin-silverwing:
Salohcin-Silverwing Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2011  Student Writer
I think Buttersc0th's Rarity is a bit more....intimate with her reading than yours is :meow:
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:iconlawn-pygmy:
Lawn-Pygmy Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2011
Or is she~? Remember how Rarity feels about the books she was picking out? How she referred to them as 'lovers'? I recommend goin' back over that bit. Her relationship is more intimate than it seems at first blush.

Buttersc0tch's Rarity liked books, but liked fooling around with Twilight even more.
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:iconkitsuneinu:
KitsuneInu Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
"her heaving chestflesh"
i have to admit that made me laugh a lot more than it should have :XD: and imagining her saying this is hilarious!
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:iconlawn-pygmy:
Lawn-Pygmy Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2011
Glad you enjoyed it. :)
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:iconkitsuneinu:
KitsuneInu Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
oh i quite enjoyed it! :XD:
Reply
:iconpurplehayabusa:
purplehayabusa Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Oh tee hee!! Rarity likes to read dirty books XD Why can I totally see her doing this now!?! Bejezus!! Great story bro :)
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:iconitsthewhinyguys:
ItsTheWhinyGuys Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2011
Hee hee, another good one!
Reply
:iconsyrenav:
SyrenaV Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2011
You are awesome. I read this whole thing in Rarity's voice, and I cracked the hell up when she started playing with the combs. "I have taken your land, your house, and your title! And now, I will take YOUR VIRGINITY!" PFFFFFFFF. I really like this little series. It's tons of fun.
Reply
:iconlawn-pygmy:
Lawn-Pygmy Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2011
Thank you so much! :D
Reply
:iconbuttersc0tchsundae:
Buttersc0tchSundae Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
"Every trip to the bookstore was like choosing a lover for the night, with the protagonists whirling her through the pages and ravishing her mind with their adventures, leaving her tired and satisfied as she closed the cover."

Er... is it hot in here, or is it just me?
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